by Dan Ketchum
So you’re wondering how to tell if someone is high, but you’re a canna-connoisseur, not a doctor. Look, we love science here at Mistifi (and we wouldn’t have Hi-Phi extraction without it), but sometimes all you need are your eyes and your instincts. Is your friend really high right now? To find out, you’ve got to go with the gut, pull from your street smarts and take a long drag on your favorite Sherlock Holmes pipe. Which in this case is most definitely a vape pen.
Too Many Hot Chips
Everyone on planet Earth loves Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (and Flamin’ Hot Taquitos, and Flamin’ Hot Doritos, and Flamin’ Hot Ruffles, and…). But when your friend replaces the whole food pyramid with hot chips, they’ve gone a little too far Over the Rainbow. It’s time to confiscate that lime.
It’s Always Enya
Here’s how to tell if someone is high beyond a shadow of a doubt: They’ve been talking about Enya’s year-2000 opus “A Day Without Rain” for the past two hours. Ambient music pairs perfectly with weed, but if you’ve heard “Only Time” more than four times today, please check on your buddy.
The Picasso Test
This one’s a litmus test that’s just a little more evidence-based. Hand your friend a sketchbook and a few colored pencils, then ask them to draw your portrait. If it comes out looking like Patrick Starfish, a bucket of rainbow ectoplasm, a platypus or E.T.’s distant cousin, your friend is tres high.
Also a qualifier: They didn’t notice when you left the room.
They’ve Lost Their Bones
We all felt it, and science knows it — according to a peer-reviewed study in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, cannabis helps relieve muscle tightness and pain, which can really loosen you up. But remember when you were a kid and you’d watch movies or play your Game Boy Advance while you were upside down on the couch with one leg over the armrest? This is bone loss. Your friend is too high, they have lost their bones, and they need your help finding them again.
They Think They’re Aristotle
There’s nothing wrong with a deep dive, but if your friend asks you any one of these questions, they have taken plenty enough pulls of the pen. Humor them if you have at least six hours to spare.
Words Are Funny
In 2018, professors from the University of Alberta created two equations to score and rank more than 45,000 words in terms of humorousness. According to Live Science, these are the top five funniest words, per the algorithm (and if your friend laughs at these words alone, that’s a bingo): upchuck, bubby, boff, wriggly and yaps. Bonus: Try non-words like “whong,” “dongl” and, our fave, “focky.” That’s a focky high, man.
Reality Is Leaking
So you started the hang watching “Euphoria.” But after catching up on three episodes, you figured you’d finally show your friend a classic, like “2001: A Space Odyssey.” If said friend believes that these two works are the same film, your friend is, scientifically speaking, super high.
You’ve Entered the Hyperbole Zone
Joie de vivre is a beautiful thing, and it’s more than OK to appreciate the little things in life. But you, a person who is not extremely high, are fully aware that the grass on the median between four lanes of traffic in Santa Monica is not “the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.” And that Adam Sandler’s “Grown Ups 2” is definitely not “the best comedy film of our generation.” Let your friend enjoy it, but it’s all right to side-eye them when they tell you that Jack in the Box makes the “best taco on earth.”
The Gullibility Factor
Right next to the Hyperbole Zone is the gullibility factor. If your friend is high enough and you and your other friends are convincing enough, you can probably convince them that they are, in fact, a human onion ring. But don’t do that. It’s mean.
But Let’s Be Real
Sometimes, you really do need to know how to tell if someone is high in order to lend them a hand. While cannabis is typically mild and well tolerated, too much of a good thing can get uncomfortable. If you suspect your friend hasn’t gone low or taken it slow, hasn’t practiced moderation, or tried a strain that didn’t agree with them, here’s what to look for, according to the Oxford Treatment Center:
- Anxiety.
- Short-term memory issues.
- Panic.
- Slow reaction time.
- High heart rate.
- Decreased inhibitions.
To help them get back to earth, Healthline recommends having a healthy, nutritionally substantial bite to eat, especially stimulating foods like black pepper, pine nuts or a good squeeze of lemon in a glass of water. Speaking of water, encourage them to do three things: hydrate, hydrate and hydrate. Shifting focus and getting a bit of low-impact movement in can help, too, so try taking a short walk with a steady chat. Most importantly, keep a good eye on your friend so that they have a safe space to relax in — that’s good looking out.
Dan Ketchum is an LA-based freelance lifestyle, fashion, health and food writer with more than a decade of experience. He’s been fortunate enough to collaborate and publish with companies such as FOCL, Vitagenne, Livestrong, Reign Together, Out East Rosé, SFGate, The Seattle Times and more.
Sources
EurekAlert! AAAS — Smoked Cannabis Can Help Relieve Muscle Tightness and Pain in People With Multiple Sclerosis
Live Science — Scientists Wrote an Equation To Find the Funniest Word in English. The Results Will Make You Fart
Oxford Treatment Center — What Are the Symptoms of Being High on Marijuana?
Healthline — Cannabis Too Strong? 11 Ways To Come Back Down